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unhinged ramblings + cursed thoughts


11/30/25 - post-summer season vacation, back to NOLA

Loads to write about post-Glacier season, but activated my own demand avoidance by over-thinking about "travel blogging," and obsessing over what I think it should look like. Erugh... To summarize: Flew to Anchorage from Salt Lake City. Then Anchorage to Honolulu! I was born there (navy parents,) and it also made made my 50th state. Spent some time with my partner's family in Nebraska. Did Philadelphia, and Orlando... Back in New Orleans through March. Almost time to return to work. Not looking forward to the social aspects, but needing the routine again (and money, of course) as I can feel myself reverting to "bed blob," or "cave goblin" mode. It's been really nice to rest awhile after so much running around, but I know some of it is also anticipatory social anxiety. First world problems. Merp.



10/17/25 - overdue post about solo trip to Missoula before leaving Lake for the season

"beer is bread soda" - beer thoughts

Two weeks ago I drove down to Missoula. I left the park for Garden City around noon, and stopped along Flathead Lake on the way. I drove around the Mission Mountains, and into the Rattlesnakes. My partner, and I had been back and forth to Whitefish to kayak through the summer. And I'd taken several solo "town" trips to run errands, but it was the first longer solo drive I've taken in awhile! I downloaded some podcasts for the three hour drive. Apparently "Wizard & The Bruiser" had recently been renamed to "Nerd of Mouth" and added a third host. It was funny, and informative. I listened to one about elitism and gatekeeping in fandom, as well as one about one of the hosts' recent autism diagnosis.

I checked into the cheap motel that my partner booked for me. It was retro - built in 1960, with original neon. I was excited. After I dropped my bags - I took a walk along the Clark Fork River. Went to a brewery's basement arcade on the "hip strip." I had a Sour and played House of the Dead, Area 51, and Crazy Taxi. The atmosphere was fun. There was a pinball tournament happening! I also almost caught Paul Thomas Anderson's Boogie Nights on 35mm at the historical indie theater, The Roxy (as part of their lead up the the showing of his new movie) but I decided against it to head back to the room. I texted an old friend, we were going to meet up in the morning.

Now we've stayed in some cheapo spots... It worth it to then save to stay in a better place a few days later. I could handle the full-time residents hanging out outside, coming and going. I could even handle the litter box smell stuck into the carpet... But when I returned from a walk, and found a random empty wallet slid under the door (probably by some crackhead or something,) I decided to sleep somewhere else.

The main reason I went to Zoo Town, was bc I got on some last minute tattoo books for a custom "portal" tattoo. The portal, or doorway motif is a traditional style popularized by a 90s artist, Dan Higgs. It would be the first trad tat I will have had. It fell through though. Initially they didn't have anything within my availability, then 11 days later their assistant offered a spot. Bc of the space between the emails, I forgot to send the deposit. There was only a deposit request in the first email. Though it was my responsibility to pay, I felt that the assistant "dropped the ball" in not sending a casual reminder when sending the follow-up email. Anyway, I wasn't aware of this until the night before the scheduled appointment when the artist was reaching out after hours. It felt off. I told them as much as I was looking forward to the tattoo, that sending a deposit last-minute felt inappropriate. The stress of everything is not the type of headspace I want to bring into a tattoo. I was trying to transfer money to their preferred digital wallet, and I ended up having issues. This is part of why artists should ensure that their deposits are received likely days before appointments, to make sure that people have time to make funds available.

And I'll be honest, with the way they handled everything - they kind of lost a bit of credibility with me. Just because you conduct an alternative service, doesn't mean you shouldn't still apply general standards of business (which include attempting to handle business after typical business hours...) This has happened with a potential couple's therapist once. I'd left a voicemail with them during business hours, and they called me back in the evening. It was a red flag, and I didn't call them back. Anyway, he tat was going to be a Twin Peaks themed portal. The artist said they were a fan too. I told them I was excited for the idea whether it was on me or someone else, and that I'd maybe reach out next Summer. It's my idea though, so hopefully they don't "steal" it lol

After canceling the tattoo, and relocation to a better hotel room - I got some rest. I woke up and met my friend of 20 years! I'm glad she could meet up last minute during her 9-5 workweek. We both ended up in NW MT for work around 10 years ago, her and her partner ended up permanently relocating from MN. We met in middle school there, after I was relocated there from MS, after Hurricane Katrina. Even though beer and live music is fun (and typically how I've socialized in the past) It was refreshing to meet for some quiche, and coffee since we've both now had daylight working hours. Having essentially a 5a - 5p schedule for several months this summer (after mostly evening schedule for a decade) has been healthier for me, and definitely has changed the way I care for myself, and relate to others. With friends, I don't really experience relationship degradation as long as there's good faith. It's more quality, than quantity for me. Honestly visiting friends maybe once, twice a year works for me. It also helps me to hold space better for others, be a better listener, and also more present. Realizing our 20 friend-a-versary, and chatting about life, love, and our shared passions - I was very grateful to be able to catch up with her.

On my way back to the park I stopped at St Ignatius. When you think about it, missions are terrible places. Places where indigenous are forced to assimilate to whatever white institution, and belief system. Leaving behind their language, culture, and identity. Because they were labelled "inferior" or "desperate." The religious missionary ideology is free support and services contingent upon the religious conversion of those receiving. The whole idea of indoctrination, or proselytization is that the missionaries are morally, spirituality, and racially superior. Anyway, as porn star Charlotte Sartre (aka Goth Charlotte), I think, tweeted a long time ago: "There's nothing more Goth than Catholic mass." And Catholicism has some epic iconography. There were some pretty brutal murals in the church.

Drove back to Lake, and started packing. This summer passed so quickly...

This post is long overdue! During some travels, I've taken some time away from my site but I did finally update it to version two. Also my partner, and I are now spending some time in Honolulu. I also just made my 50th state! A lot to update soon!


[9/16/2025] - partner's trip, site plans + long-term body mod horror, expression v. identity

I dropped my partner off at the airport yesterday! He's heading to Oregon to see an old buddy. They haven't seen each other in about seven years, so I'm glad they can reconnect. My partner is a very selfless and hardworking person, and I'm proud of him for taking a few days off to do something for himself, and to see one of his best friends.

After I got back to the property, I started packing up my desk. I've seen on some personal sites that people share photos of their rooms or workspaces, so I think I'll upload a pic of my summer workspace soon. I'm not sure if that's something related to the Old Web, or part of the modern IndieWeb, but I like it either way.

Later that night, I had some wine, made ramen, and put on YouTube concerts. I was dancing to The Heliocentrics and noticed my jewelry on the desk. I decided to just mess around and put some pieces back into my piercings. I hadn't worn several of them in a while, and I was curious if I still liked how I looked in them. I got snakebites nearly 20 years ago, as a teenager. Over the last decade, I've mostly left them out to "pass" more easily in mainstream culture. I know now that, no matter what I do, people will judge me how they choose. Still, I sometimes mask or camouflage my appearance - hoping to avoid more policing or vitriol than my body and presence already attract.

I support people being their uncensored selves. I know I'm privileged in that I can semi-effectively costume a more "mild" appearance - at least until I start interacting with someone. Sometimes, self-censoring is self-protection.

In the early 2010s, I also got a microdermal anchor piercing on my cheekbone (now illegal in several states). Three years ago, on the night of the Heilung concert in Chicago, a piece of the plastic dermal retainer broke off. Since then, the area's been inflamed and irritated. I've been putting off getting it removed... Anyway, back to the lip rings. I put hoop jewelry into my old piercings, and the next morning I couldn't remove one. I guess it's what's called "embedded" or "nested" in the body mod world. I was genuinely surprised! That's what I get for not wearing anything in it for so long. So, I pulled out two pairs of pliers from my partner's toolbox and went at it! The pliers didn't do the trick. I called around to a couple of dermatology and plastic surgery clinics. As expected, I had to leave my info with reception - these kinds of specialists don't usually take last-minute bookings, even with a foreign object stuck in your face at risk of infection. lol

Next, I called an urgent care clinic to ask if they might be able to remove both piercings. They said they might be able to do small procedures. I showed up in person, and they referred me to two more places. At the next clinic, I got an X-ray and a prescription for antibiotics. I told them I wasn't worried about pain or scarring - I was approaching this removal process as fervently as I had when getting the piercings in the first place. lol Eventually, I was referred to a plastic surgeon. That provider explained that, even with the X-ray, they couldn't be sure what tissue was involved, and scarring was a risk. Understandably, the surgeon's office had no openings until November.

Before I left the property (feeling like an idiot with one stuck piercing and one infected) I told myself:
"Someone will take this out." I'm leaving town in less than a month, and I'd be embarrassed to wear the hoop for the rest of my shifts. Not because of how it might affect people's perceptions, but because I'm ashamed and pissed that it's stuck.

After being turned away for the second time, I knew it was still early enough to try other options. I drove to the next town over, debating whether to go to the ER or find a piercing parlor, still tugging on the hoop myself. I knew it would be a roll of the dice, customer service-wise. Tattoo and piercing shops are still, often, very macho - full of toxic masculinity and sometimes predators, not in it for the art but for access to bodies. Without jumping through liability hoops, I figured I might have to find some redneck shop willing to just rip the thing out of my lip. I remembered a nondescript, unbranded place across from the Dairy Queen on Highway 2 - plastered with stock-printed, screaming signs. I held my breath and walked into the combination "TATTOOS - VAPES - PIERCINGS" shop.

A sign on the door read: "Don't let the dog out." 
The air had a faint animal-stale smell. There was a thin layer of dust on the waiting room table, but the display cases (filled with the fancy kinda bongs, jewelry, and dark ephemera) were shiny. I explained plainly what I needed, with no expectations, and asked the rotund, grey-bearded man if he was willing to try pulling it out. After a moment, he took me back into the workshop wearing only socks on his feet. I noticed an empty dog bed in the corner and an overflowing autoclave. He sat me in a barber chair, right next to two waiting customers, and said: "That's going to take a lot of paper towels!" ... "It's only water," I replied with a light chuckle. I noticed an Army vet plaque on the wall.

It was the kind of working-class shop I'd been to many times in the Midwest, but friendlier. I'd went to highschool with a couple of people who went on to work in those shops as tattooists. A young woman (maybe his daughter?) sat on a stool, drawing up a tattoo. The other five customers in the shop: women, and girls. It felt like a lower-brow, service-based place - unlike those up-and-coming luxury custom shops that start at $200 an hour. This was the DIY, self-taught or old-school apprentice kind of place, doing trad styles and tracing flash stencils - not the art school grads with lip filler who might overcharge. Both have their place. And yeah, you get what you pay for. I'm just feel a lil safer that alt body mods are becoming more mainstream (for now), and that the spaces are slowly becoming more inclusive. Also, as a lover of good-bad, bad-good, irony, and the "ignorant style" stick-n-pokes from Instagram tattooers. I have a couple of "bad" tattoos myself...

After a brief disclaimer, "This isn't going to feel good,". I nodded. A few minutes of yanking, a "Wow, it's really in there," and then... the hoop was out! "Did you get it? I'm free!" I exclaimed. He said tissue had grown around the hinge, and that the hoop was also too small. He asked if I wanted to keep it. "No thanks. I've learned my lesson." I didn't bring cash and asked if he had an ATM. He said no, but waved it off. I left quickly, and very, very gratefully. I got lucky today. (Yes, he wore gloves.)

With a fat lip, I treated myself to cheap yakisoba and tempura on the way back to the lake.

I don't think I like the look of certain jewelry on me anymore - and that's okay. I remind myself that I'm not a bad alt person just because I'm not always visibly "edgy."

I still have hella tattoo plans. I might wear an eyebrow or septum ring again sometime. Maybe a nose piercing, or another set of ear piercings. But I'm planning ahead for dermal removal by a surgeon, and I'm leaving the lip piercings out.

It was fun while it lasted. I don't mind the permanent scars.
Insert Sexy Flaw and Blemished Beauty tropes. Creepy-cute. Gurokawaii.

Identity flags are important, but not necessary. Visibility can definately be survival, and resistance. (polari, hanky codes, literal flags, pins, etc.) Sometimes, flags are just costumes anyway. Sometimes they're real, sometimes they're performative. You have to talk with, engage with, and observe people to really figure them out. Even if they share your identities.

Either way, "edginess" starts from within, and I'm not becoming any more conservative as I age (at least not anytime soon), just because I no longer want to wear piercings... And I realized even the life-line marginalized counterculturist is still self-conscious, comparing, and contrasting. Not alt "enough", not visibly queer "enough..." *bi panic* Be the paradox. Be the anomaly.

Sometimes you just grow out of things.
And sometimes... things threaten to grow into you.




[9/11/2025] - recent events

Okay, I'm going to TRY to make this quick because I need to focus on other things, enjoy my day off, and start packing for upcoming trips. But I'll take yesterday's events as an opportunity to share a bit about my politics here. I'll probably end up summarizing alot of this for other pages on my site.
I'm going to write a bunch of jumbled thoughts, then use ChatGPT to help grammar-check. Yes, I'm AI-cautious. I think it should be better regulated to protect the environment (machines should do the extra work so humans can do other things), but many of these tools have already existed in some form. Editing tools help me write. They help me get things out. I'll still probably continue to edit this myself though. I'm not a huge boycotter. There's no ethical consumption under capitalism, anywayyy.

background

To generalize, I'm a pacifist radical lib-leftist. I think the States have been taking the temperature on violence specifically, for years. My ideologies and political leanings mostly focus on intersectional queer feminism, class consciousness, harm reduction, mental health care advocacy, and atheism and skepticism. Emphasis on identity development, and trauma-work - specifially deconstruction, and individuation. Unpacking systems, family, culture - all of it. (Especially if you don't think you need to...) Figuring out what actually aligns with one's personal values. I think each human is entitled to this. I'm pro-firearms. I'm in the "People do violence, not guns," and "If you go far enough left, you get your guns back." camps. I went to a range once in 2013, then once in Spring 2025. Anti-death penalty, I'm for rehabiliation. We need to study these people. They're not monsters, or animals. They're very much human just like everyone else. Just like you, just like me. (even the cluser B's, even the sociopaths! even the pedos and molesters!) And "good" and "evil" is cultspeak. Just integrated into a new, different, hyper-institutionalized society. Does this cover all the hot topics? Idk. I'm an atheist and a skeptic, with a very brief weed- and trauma- fueled "love & light" near alt-right pipeline hippie era. I was raised by an untreated mentally ill conspiracy theorist / wannabe cult leader, and "abundance"-type, mega-church protestant christian with an undiagnosed developmental disorder. I have so-so opinions on self- or armchair-diagnosing. All I know is what I know, and I know myself, and the people who created me. I have a formal depression dx from '18, have high self-awareness, and have saught years of therapy (TF-CBT with somatic techniques like guided meditation, and other grounding praxis.) I manage symptoms related to C-PTSD, other neurodivergence, and relational and attachment disturbance. I have mixed feelings about seeking further dx bc of the state of the world, but who knows. I like a very active, and novelty-seeking lifestyle tho, which make me quite dopamine-, and adrenaline-driven.

I specify the chemicals here because when we focus on the actual neuroscience instead of demonizing choices, we can see that all substances - and even behaviors - release chemicals. But I guess the average person is more likely to overlook the risks of going to the gym too much than using meth, just because it looks better on the surface. Alot of people turn the other cheeking because "they're such a upright, and productive citizen." It's because they've moralized it, and they're in denial. "They work so hard, they deserve it!" Just because something has a higher potential for harm doesn't mean the lower-risk behaviors can't negatively impact people, too. Basically, I think we're all liable to become dependent on something. The genteic component only goes so far, and neuro-plasticity goes both ways. These stigmas are an extension of anti-science, possession theories too though. Also - alcohol is a drug. Stop separating in "drugs, and alcohol." The only reason is because it's destigmatized is big business. Plenty of rich folks who use substances. It's another one of those "classy if you're rich but trashy if you're poor" double standards... Although I'm active outdoors and have a high-energy job, I can also fall into long bouts of semi-vegetative states where I just consume and watch media. I guess that's called "bedrot."

Where I still language-police is here: I don't ascribe to labels like "addict," "alcoholic," "relapse," "clean," or "dirty." [See: labeling theory] They're completely demonizing, shame-filled dehumanizing terms. I may support the casual, cringe humor non-PC use of them at times, but when it's a serious conversation - it's inappropriate. I know that humor is part of stigma, but it's funny bc it's terrible. I'm the era of Y2K millenial that also grew up with South Park, and Chappelle's Show. It's not like nuanced conversations weren't brought up by these types of sketches. I guess this is also what Boomer's say... "It's just how it was then." Idk... AA is a basically a cult. I'm on the fence about the "disease" perspective of substance dependence because of neuroplasticity. My old therapist did say that if untreated at all, it does get progressively worse. Yeah, I guess if you don't taper yourself, or moderate - your tolerance can go as high to cause DT's and/or straight-up organ shut-down. That being said, medically-assisted detox is good.

I tend not to engage in atheist/skeptic communities because they're often full of incels who intellectualize to cope. I'm anti-religion, and anti-supernatural belief. Maybe I'll include a Political Compass quiz here. Quizzes aren't perfect, but they offer a blueprint for self-exploration and understanding (and I think they're fun.)

I grew up a "tomboy" and came out as bi at 14 (I'll talk more about those identities later). There was a small group of queer kids I hung out with in middle school, but that was just before I was uprooted again, started distance learning (combine my social problems with the woo-woo homeschool beliefs of my father's second wife. Much to share about that later, too... really "exciting" culty stuff, yay), and pretty much went straight into the workforce. The people who raised me were struggling working class, in hourly medical and tech fields, that enacted a lot of financial abuse, and neglect. Grandparents were (at the time) middle-upper class, in higher-level medical services. Bought us new things, took us on vacation, often paid our bills. Grandma used to say, "Go to college. Get a job. Get a mustang. Take me to Hawaii." I did two of those things, and we did end up travelling together. But we split it. Lol. And, oh - look! I'm going to Hawaii soon, and I'm a "lowly" service industry worker.

Growing up, using my pattern-seeking brain and observational skills, I noticed the dissonance between the public image and private reality of my well-to-do extended family. That helped radicalize me, too, in regards to class and labor. My grandmother's honesty about what really goes on behind closed doors stuck with me. The dirty looks, and rude tones from my rich uncle's wife, and daughter. The princess who told me there was "nothing wrong with the status quo," later had a plague wedding where an attendee bullied our grandmother. The "pillar of the community" who openly speculated to me about his son's sexuality. The queen of the house and her live-in daughter, whose every plan and choice seemed laid out for her from birth. The palpable pity toward my mother's embarrassing affection from a sense of duty over endless financial and practical favors, along with the pedestal she put him on. I've always found the filthy underbelly of squeaky-clean personas deeply disturbing (and I'm a huge horror fan). David Lynch captures this well in his work, and it's a huge part of why I fell in love with it. But that's another post.

road to radicalization

I started studying queer theory around 2014. I met, and lived with a stripper who had gone to Smith and introduced me to intersectionality: how race, gender, class, and sexuality intersect to shape privilege and oppression. That was a turning point. I began recognizing the many forms of injustice operating under what I now call the Christo-fascist, white supremacist, patriarchal capitalist system.

For years, I leaned into identity politics: micro-labels, trigger warnings, language policing. And while I still think those things have value, I eventually realized they can sometimes distract from the class war. Labels are for understanding, as well as survival - but too much focus on them can be limiting.

I started working with a mental health professional, which helped me process and validate both my subjective and objective experiences of injustice in U.S. culture. Psychoeducation helped me understand the cultural systems of power and control. I also began to see religion as a human invention - once adaptive, now outdated for our evolution. It's harnessed as a mass delusional tool that reinforces the current state of things. If people are brainwashed into believing bigotry is "wholesome, [insert religion/cult/spirituality here] values," then they'll support destruction and violence.

I didn't start voting until my late 20s. I supported Sanders, then Harris, then Biden. I voted to decriminalize marijuana and protect bodily autonomy (abortion rights) in Missouri.

There was voter intimidation at the Knights of Columbus polling place. I signed a few petitions before realizing they were misleading, and promoted progressive buzzwords that masked questionable bills. It was triggering.

During the lockdowns, I became extremely isolated and retraumatized. But I stayed online, taking in new ideas. I even tried to mobilize seasonal workers ("parkies") once I realized how hard it is for nomads to vote. I shared links, encouraged people to register, and guided them toward mail-in ballots. Later, I spoke to revcoms and demsocs on a university campus. Kept educating myself.

At some point, I began breaking down the "Red Scare" propaganda, and exploring socialist/communist ideas. Then I began seeing more extreme leftist content in my Instagram echochamber which was concerning. It was then, I learned the difference between liberty and authoritarianism, and between economic left and right. And yeah... the left can absolutely be authoritarian too. I started seeing guillotine memes and "Eat the Rich" slogans on Leftbook. At first, I thought they were satire. Then I saw people in my feed pedestalizing someone who set himself on fire. That made me stop cold. I tried to express my concerns to two old acquaintances on social media that I knew from New Orleans. They weren't hostile, but no one really wanted to talk about it.

How did a mentally ill person (with possible delusions of grandeur) become a martyr to the radical socialist left? Because he was "willing to die" for his cause? Were these AuthLeft "tankies?" As an atheist and skeptic, I saw it as religious-flavored extremism. I was disturbed watching Far Left activists justify suicide as political action. I had naively believed that all of the rad-left stood for peace and liberty. I was shocked to find many didn't seem to view suicide as violence. These were the same people advocating for harm reduction, mental health awareness, queer rights, class justice, and separation of church and state.

That year, both political extremes had their martyrs: Aaron Bushnell for the Left, Trump for the Right. It all started to resemble religious extremism to me. Self-immolation is not protest. Self-harm is not protest. Radical self-preservation is.

My sense of justice is strong. I only hope to also aim that critical lense inward as well... I understand the romance of retribution, I've felt it. Like the dark fantasy wanting to wait for an abuser in my family to die. The irrational belief being that only then would no more harm could ever be done to my loved ones. Religious institutions, with their irrational belief systems, have contributed to our inability to compromise and find peace. I don't know if any one really wants to die for what they believe. It just seems like brainwashing to me. But maybe I'm just naive about this.

That's when I realized: some people really did take the guillotine and "eat the rich" memes literally. They believe death and violence are necessary for revolution. That's not where I stand anymore. I started to steer away from that, refocusing on labor rights and reform, as a working-class pinko with radfem ideas.

now

My anti-capitalist views on labor haven't changed. I'm still a trans-inclusive, pro-(but critical of) sex work radfem. I'm not a public resource. I no longer perform behavioral expectations based on my genitals. I have the right to refuse any interaction. I have the right to refuse the constant demands to emotionally validate others. This includes compulsory sexual-value dogwhistling by displaying make-up, and/or lack of completely normal to the ADULT form body hair, affect indicating emotional availability, or warmth (unless it's genuine.) This touches on neurodivergent masking as well, but that's for yet another post... I went through the body-check men phase of casual, daily acts of feminism - but these days I really just like to obviously, and dramatically avoid (and take the long way.) My body, and the projections placed upon it each day outside my home, is a battleground for protecting my space, my person, and my mind. I'm not friendly to strangers. The neutral affect is not hostile. I don't know you. We're not friends. I don't care. How can you respect me? By staying out of my way, and leaving me the fuck alone. This is partly social phobic, and partly simply aware of the world I exist in...

I use fewer trigger warnings now - they're considerate, but not required. I'm more of a behavioral activist, than into idea, or word policing. In regards to that I focus a lot more on self-responsibility and personal liberty, less on trying to control external forces. But politely informing, and correcting is okay... I've realized it's okay to be uncertain. It's okay to take in new information and change your mind. To be honest, I barely engaged with the Israel vs. Palestine discourse because I saw it as yet another example of religiously-motivated destruction. Maybe I'm more aligned now with democratic socialism or social liberalism. Categorizing myself will never fully capture the picture, but it helps.

recent reflections

With the latest shooting of a right-wing conspiracy theorist and propagandist... I keep asking: In what world are racism, misogyny, and xenophobia not (indirect or covert) violence? What motivates people to behave the way they do? There's way more to it than simply "being shot or not being shot." Charlie Kirk is but one head of the hydra. I'm not celebrating death, even of someone who promoted it through propaganda. I don't "believe" in that. The next complex ideas I'm mulling over:
Here are some charts. No, I'm not sourcing rn. Use Google reverse image search.


The States are culturally and structurally violent. I believe that humans can reject direct violent action as a consequence. That they can de-escalate. That they can even prevent. That they can choose nonviolence. No doubt, actual transformative peace would create discomfort, even destabilize or straight up devastate one's sense of self. And likely loads of grief and shame in suddenly realizing that much (or all) of what you once believed was rooted in primal, existential fear, trauma, and fairy tales. I believe people can recover from fascist ideology. Transformation can be painful, but it's not violence. Pain alone doesn't justify a violent reaction. There's a difference between discomfort and harm, between emotional pain and actual violence. Some people blur those lines and use their pain to justify destructive behavior, toward others or themselves. That's where I draw the line. I'm not perfect by any means. My highly avoidant "crimes," and lack of interest in vapid bird-call, social "niceties" or performance leave much to be desired, and leave many insecure, and perpetually projecting people feeling personally victimized. But those (at best apathetic, at worst asocial) behaviors are far from actively destructive.

You can feel the burn without burning it all down.




[9/08/2025] - upcoming end of season!

We've been at Lake for three months now. There are 24 days left until the last meal service. They'll do the end-of-season log ceremony that day at noon. Then we'll spend a day or two winterizing the dining room, and lounge. I'm having mixed feelings. Even though this summer has been especially wild for a seasonal gig (I'll upload a rambling stream of consciousness about all the events later,) it's been one of my best. I'm surprised to say this. I've been doing this for ten years! I was able to connect with some J1's from Thailand, Ecuador, Romania, and even cross paths again with one I worked with here over 7 years ago! He's from Czech Republic, and this time brought his new wife. I also met someone from Denver, and we bonded over film, tasty treats, and queerness.

The other day, my most respected manager, brought in a cake for one of the top performing server assistants. It was her last shift before heading back home to Thailand. It teared me up that the manager went through the effort to make sure that she felt appreciated.

Things are changing, but that's seasonal life. As a person that doesn't connect easily to others, perform the expected affect or personality based upon expectations of gender performance, or readily enact typical social norms by intitating contact or small-talk - I'm happy to say I still managed to make a few new friends this year. Although I'm sad to see us all go our separate ways, I'm excited to have new friends in new places to maybe visit sometime down the road.

Over these next three weeks, my partner and I have a trip to plan for. Alaska, and Hawaii by way of Salt Lake City. I will then have seen all 50 states!

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